We had a mentor program in Med School.
My mentor was a stout gynecologist in her 50s with short blonde hair. She was fierce, warm, and present. She had an aura of warm authority and clarity. She knew what she wanted and how to get there. Or at least she would find out.
She had been one of the first female gynecologists in the male-dominated university hospital department and fought for recognition in the bro-system.
During our mentoring sessions, which took place at her cozy house with green tea and amongst her family pictures, she was clear in what she expected from me and valued, but also supportive in how to get there. She would ask follow-up questions, enquire as to what made certain things difficult for me and offer coaching. I walked out of our sessions inspired and encouraged but also honest about the areas where I needed to put in more work and effort. To me, Kristine was a cheerleader, mentor, and leader.
I Was Not a Natural Leader. And Then I Became a Mother.
I was never like this. I don’t like to take the lead. I don’t have strong opinions or convictions. I will rather do my own thing: less entanglement, less criticism, fewer decisions to make.
And then I became a mother.
Fast forward to today.
“Stupid, a* job!”* I cursed silently. “One more thing and I’ll quit!”
Unfortunately, I can’t quit motherhood with good conscience.
So I ploughed on, trying to persuade my crying toddler to put on her clothes so I might be at my actual job only 20 min delayed for once. As I tried to coax my daughter into cooperation, getting more exasperated by the second as she kept refusing to put her arm through the sleeve, I thought of good leadership. Which I wasn’t exhibiting at the moment. Kristine would have shaken her head at me, if she wasn’t as empathetic as she is.
I never applied for the job as “mother”. Nobody checked my references. And yet here I am, CEO, CFO, and manager of everything, all before 8am.
Why Every Parent Is Already a Leader (Whether They Feel Like One or Not)
If you’re a parent, you’re a leader. You have kids, so you’re leading someone. And in a profound way. You’re leading them in how to live in the world as a human being.
That’s why parents can learn from leaders. And good leadership can teach us about good parenting.
Channeling a good leader helps me be a better parent and gives me a framework of the skills, presence, and attitude that help me do a better job.
What Does Good Leadership Actually Look Like?
Think about someone in your life you consider a good leader. What makes you trust them, want to follow them, confide in them, look up to them?
A good leader:
- Knows where they’re going. Clear on direction, values, and purpose, and lives those values rather than just professing them
- Is courageous, not certain. Dares to show up and make decisions without having all the answers
- Follows through. Their words and actions align
- Brings passion and enthusiasm. Their energy gives others a reason to care
- Has high expectations and offers real support to meet them
- Is present. Genuinely listens and stays curious about people
- Is warm and empathetic. People feel seen, not managed
- Is encouraging. Spots potential and believes in people’s capacity to grow
- Shares power. Gives freedom within clear limits, knowing that power grows when it’s shared, not hoarded
- Leans into hard conversations with honesty and care, not avoidance
- Holds people accountable without shame. Addresses behavior, not character
- Is self-aware. Knows their own patterns, triggers, and blind spots, and doesn’t lead from behind armor
Pretty much how I experienced my mentor Kristine.
How to Use This in Your Daily Life as a Mom: The “Good Leader on Your Shoulder” Method
I want you to channel your own version of a good leader, your Kristine. Metaphorically put them on your shoulder and have them advise you. When you’re in a chaotic or tricky situation, ask: “What would my good leader do?”
The 3 Levels of Leadership in Family Life
In daily family life, there are three levels of leadership.
- Leading yourself: your self-regulation, your values, your self-talk
- Leading your kids: warm, firm, consistent presence
- Leading as a team: you and your partner as co-leaders, co-captains making decisions together
We’ll go deeper on each, with practical tools you can use in the chaos of a Tuesday morning. But for now, let this idea sink in: you’re a leader and you should step up to it. It will make you a better mother and partner. And owning it will make motherhood more satisfying.
Leadership is a skill you can learn. I’ll show you how.
Reflection Prompt
Think of the best leader you’ve ever had. What made them good? Now think about your week. Where did you already show up like that, even in one small moment?
Want to know where to start? It starts with you. Read Part 2: The Leader in the Room When Everything Falls Apart – Leading yourself
