“Only 2 hours 50 minutes,” I told myself, closing my eyes and letting out a deep sigh.
“Only 2 hours 50 minutes until I can hand her over to Chris.”
I opened my eyes and looked down at my red-faced, teary-eyed daughter having a meltdown in the bakery aisle because she wanted the pink doughnut with white stripes — not the wholegrain bread roll I was willing to buy.
This was our — I don’t know, maybe eighth? — tantrum since I had picked her up at daycare 47 minutes ago. I had only wanted to cry twice and walk out on her four times since then.
Sound familiar?
It had been a crappy week. I had a nasty cold with a nonstop cough, my husband had just recovered from his, and my daughter was extra clingy while demanding more autonomy than Scotland in a referendum year.
Toddler mom life can feel like this: intense, relentless, and overstimulating. It’s no wonder so many of us feel like an overwhelmed mom stuck in chronic stress. When the stress response stays activated, we slide straight into mom survival mode.
But I’ve got you.
Tested and tried, here is my system for how to stop feeling overwhelmed as a mom — especially in those heated, in-the-moment situations when you’re trying to stay calm with toddlers and your nervous system has other plans.
Two Types of Overwhelm
In my experience, there are two types:
In-the-moment overwhelm
Long-term overwhelm
In this post, I’m focusing on in-the-moment overwhelm. (You can check out this post for tips about how to get out of long-term overwhelm and the mom mental load.)
In-the-Moment Overwhelm
Your kid’s on a meltdown run and everything is a power struggle. Or you had a bad night and can’t connect empathically, which leads to short tempers and unhelpful behavior on both sides.
Whatever the reason, the goal here is to calm down, become cool as a cucumber and get your executive part of your brain – your prefrontal cortex- back online.
Because when you’re dysregulated and stuck in fight, flight, or freeze, you can’t regulate your dysregulated child.
You’re more likely to:
Yell or lash out
Keep doing what isn’t working because trying something new feels impossible
Withdraw or give in (hello, pink-glazed doughnut that goes against your family food philosophy)
And sometimes that happens. It’s OK.
My personal goal is to shorten the time I need to get back on track – back to being a cool, confident leader and a mom who can empathically connect with my child and step out of guerrilla warfare with her.
How to calm the stress response:
Step 1: Establish Physical Safety
Make sure everyone is physically safe. No hitting, no one getting hurt.
Calmly step in if they’re hitting another child. Put them down if they’re hitting you while you’re holding them.
Step 2: Remove the Urgency
Remind your body: This is not an emergency.
I find the mantra “This is not an emergency” incredibly helpful. (It’s from Devon Kuntzman.)
Follow it with a few deep breaths, making the out-breath longer than the in-breath. Yes, it’s a cliché — and it works. A longer exhale activates your parasympathetic nervous system, which counteracts the stress response.
Your body may be reacting as if it’s an emergency — triggered by screaming or ink smeared across the wall.
But since you’ve established physical safety in step 1, this situation might be uncomfortable or bring up strong emotions – but it’s not dangerous.
Step 3: Ground Yourself
Here are simple ways to calm down:
continue taking in deep breaths in and slow, long breaths out
notice the feeling/sensations in your body and stay with it, focusing on how the sensations shift over time – maybe getting more intense or less tight
Feel the weight of your feet on the floor. Imagine strong roots growing into the ground from your feet.
picture yourself as a mighty mountain or an oak tree that’s weathering all storms. You stay steady and grounded, no matter what’s going on around you.
Connect to your senses. Name to yourself what you can see, touch and hear.
Count backwards from twenty . Multiple times if necessary.
Sit down
Slow down what you’re doing
Remind yourself your toddler’s behavior isn’t about you. They’re overwhelmed, not manipulative
Imagine a steady stream of bright, liquid sunlight pouring into your body, creating space and warmth
Self-compassion helps too. I like saying to myself internally something like “This is really hard/this sucks. Right now, there are other parents are feeling this too. I’m doing the best I can right now and that’s enough.”
Pick one or two strategies and practice them consistently. Emotional regulation for moms becomes easier with repetition.
It also helps to practice these tools outside of crisis moments. A three-minute daily breathing practice, a short grounding meditation, or a visualization woven into your daily routines with toddlers builds capacity.
Step 4: Choose a Wise Next Step
Once you’re calmer and reconnected to your executive brain, choose your next move.
Maybe you’re able to access parenting skills you’ve learned. Maybe now you can access empathy for your red-faced toddler who’s still upset about not being able to dunk their teeth into the sweet doughnut.When you’re regulated, you can comfort them or shift the energy. I sometimes ask mine if she wants to hop like a bunny or stomp like an elephant to the egg aisle. Sounds silly but often works for me.
Or you realize you need a break because you’ve been at it nonstop for hours. This happens to me often. I suddenly notice I haven’t paused once for hours — and then wonder why I feel depleted. When I recognize it, I stop what feels urgent (and usually isn’t). I grab a drink, sit down with my toddler for some play time or put on a song we both enjoy. Or we go outside and just hang out at the playground. Or I call the grandparents on video call – my favorite take-a -break-and-shift-the-energy-joker.
If possible, ask for help. Tell your partner you need 30–60 minutes when they get home. Ask a friend with kids to meet up or one without kids to come over.
Getting out of the doughnut meltdown
I wish I could say I handled it with perfection and grace.
But I did curb my roaring stress response and kept the floral swear words internal. I sighed and crouched down to her level.
I ushered my unhappy daughter toward the egg aisle — through the fruit aisle, which triggered another meltdown because I wouldn’t buy blueberries from overseas.
By the end of the trip — during which I vowed five times never to grocery shop with her again — we were reasonably content.
The Bottom Line
When you find yourself in mom survival mode, use these four steps to return to a calmer, more capable version of yourself.
You don’t need to do this perfectly. Just keep practicing those 4 steps and over time, you’ll regulate faster. You’ll stay calm with toddlers more often. You’ll step out of reactive cycles sooner. And you’ll enjoy motherhood more — even in the bakery aisle.
