I’ve never been great at setting limits with others — clients, cousins, friends.
Whenever I feel I have to hold a line or get firm, my voice changes. It gets strained and scolding but ineffective. I call it my authoritarian teacher voice.
And when it comes out, I feel exactly like the teacher I’m channeling: that overwhelmed, slightly sweaty substitute standing in front of a room of unruly 13-year-olds, trying to sound strict enough to get control of the class.
What’s strange is that I hardly ever turn into the scolding teacher with my toddler.
Because I’ve invested in learning about and practicing parenting and parental leadership from the day she was born. I knew I needed that. So I wouldn’t be a helpless, pseudo-strict teacher for her.
The word that keeps coming back to me is lead. To “discipline” means to “teach.”
And here’s what I’ve found: when I lead well, things get easier.
Picture a mentor. The kind who knows where she’s going, holds high expectations, and brings you along with her. For me, Kristine is that mentor — clear in her values, grounded in her direction, genuinely invested in the people she was guiding. (You met her in an earlier post.)
As a parent, you are that person for your child. You’re leading them in the most profound way possible: in how to be a human being in the world.
The Mindset: How a Good Parent-Leader Shows Up
I have guidelines for parental leadership, much of it derived from the work of Jesper Juul, a Danish family therapist who helped revolutionize modern parenting by teaching that children need respectful, authentic leadership rather than control or obedience training.
Here are the principles I’ve distilled from his work. Think of these as guidelines for your leadership attitude, your leadership vision:
- Leadership is responsibility, not power. You’re leading because as the adult you hold responsibility for your child and your family. Good leadership avoids humiliating, overpowering, or manipulating.
- Children are equal in worth, not equal in responsibility or experience. You might say “no,” but your child’s experience is respected rather than dismissed. Their feelings matter, their perspectives deserve to be heard.
- Authenticity matters more than the right techniques. Your kids benefit when you’re honest, emotionally real, and clear about your needs. “I need a quiet moment right now.” That models self-awareness and lets them know what’s going on with you. Of course, then you take responsibility for yourself and your needs. That’s not your kid’s job.
- Conflicts are normal and healthy. Handled well — without threats, power struggles, or humiliation — conflict is where children learn boundaries, empathy, negotiation, and self-expression.
- The relationship is the foundation. Rules and routines matter far less than most of us think. What makes children want to cooperate and become who they’re capable of being is the quality of the connection to you. Mutual respect. Trust. Emotional connection. And as a leader, the relationship is your responsibility.
What This Actually Looks Like in Action
Here’s what leading from that mindset looks like in practice:
- You have a vision for them. You know what you hope for your kids in the future. From experience and the wisdom of science and generations before us, we know what a healthy and happy life requires. You pass that on and help them learn to take care of their health, understand money well enough not to be trapped by debt, connect deeply with others, be vulnerable, feel their own feelings. You can’t control what they do with any of it. But you give them the tools. That’s leadership.
- You take responsibility for the emotional climate in your family. You’re the adult in the room. When things are tense or chaotic, your children are looking to you to regulate. So when you’re tired after a rough night but choose to put on music and make pancakes instead of snapping, that’s leadership too. Good leaders keep the motivation and good mood up.
- You set limits and follow through with compassion. Leaders sometimes have to make unpopular calls for the greater good. So do parents. Saying “no” to the fourth cookie in a row is leadership. The key is doing it with respect and empathy rather than cruelty, humiliation, or making your child feel small.
- You make decisions when needed. They can’t decide who gets to brush their teeth? You decide it will be you today. They don’t want to leave the park but it’s time for a nap? You decide it’s time to leave and give them a choice about what to do last, or you set a timer and leave when it goes off. You’re in charge, keeping their wellbeing and yours in mind.
- You keep investing in your own skills and get help where needed. One of the best decisions my parents ever made was hiring a math tutor for me instead of my frustrated dad continuing to try (and fail, bless him) to teach me himself. They recognized the limit of their skills and got help. We can’t teach what we don’t know, but we can find ways to make sure our kids get what they need. That might mean reading a book, finding a therapist or coach, or asking another parent how they handle bedtime resistance.
Where the Ease and Joy Come From
If this resonates, take a few minutes with this: when you imagine yourself as a leader to your child rather than just their parent, what shifts? And what’s one thing you’d do differently tomorrow?
If it helps, try what I do: call up someone in your life who embodies good leadership — a mentor, a teacher, a grandmother — and put them on your shoulder. Ask yourself, in the hard moments: What would they do?
This is, I think, where ease and joy come from. From having a framework for good leadership and stepping up to embody it instead of just reacting.
You can formulate your own leadership guiding principles or use mine. You can become the leader your kids need you to be rather than that sweaty substitute teacher.
This post is part 3 of a mini-series of leadership in parenting. Learn more about why leadership matters as a parent or how to lead yourself so you can be a better mother.
