Sometimes, I’m the toddler.
I’m on edge and then something doesn’t go as planned. Or I hit my toe. Or my daughter just. won’t. do ANYTHING I ask her to do. And I melt down. I’m short of throwing myself on the floor and flailing my arms around.
OK, I might be exaggerating. But in those moments I do stomp around. I curse. I slam doors shut. And I know I could do better.
Here’s the thing nobody warns you about motherhood: the hardest person you’ll ever have to lead is yourself. Especially at 7am with a sock situation and an upset toddler. And when you can’t, when you’re melting down right alongside her, there’s no leader in the room. Your kid feels it. The morning unravels.
That’s a leadership gap. And it has a fix.
What Is Self-Leadership for Moms?
Before we get into the how, try this: think about the best leader you’ve ever had. A teacher, a mentor, a boss. Someone who made you feel steady just by being in the room. Who didn’t lose it under pressure. Who was warm but clear, who made decisions without drama, who made you feel like things were going to be OK.
You know exactly what that felt like from the receiving end. That’s your north star. That’s who you’re learning to be, for your kids and for yourself.
For me that person is Kristine, my med school mentor that we met in the previous post. When things get hard I imagine a mini-version of her on my shoulder. Warm but clear. Decisive without being harsh. She knows who she is and how she wants to show up, and that knowledge is what keeps her steady when everything around her isn’t.
Self-leadership for moms of little kids comes down to three things.
1. Know Where You Want to Go: Your Vision as a Mother
Your vision for yourself as a mother is your most underrated parenting tool. What is she like, this mother you want to be? How does she handle it when her daughter refuses to put on her shoes for the fourth time in a row? What does she do with the frustration that’s building in her chest?
Get clear on what that looks like for you before the chaos hits, so you have something to come back to when you need it.
2. Know What Gets You There: How to Show Up as Your Best Self More Often
Why do I keep losing my temper even when I don’t want to?
Most door-slamming moments aren’t really about the door. They’re about being exhausted. Frustrated. Running on empty for the fourth consecutive day.
You cannot lead well from a deficit. And yet most of us keep trying to, then feel like failures when we snap.
What do I need to be a calmer, more patient mother?
Ask yourself: what do I actually need to show up as the mother from my vision?
- A good night’s sleep?
- Twenty minutes to myself?
- A lunch that isn’t eaten standing over the sink?
- More support from my partner?
- Keeping a promise you made to yourself even when nobody would notice if you didn’t?
If you know what gets you to your vision and you’re not protecting it, that’s a bad leadership decision.
3. Do the Hard Thing Anyway: Where Real Self-Leadership Happens
This is where leadership actually happens. Not in the planning, but in the moment. At 7am. When you’re tired and she won’t put her shoes on and you can feel the door-slam coming.
Doing the hard thing looks like:
- Biting your tongue when you want to say something to your partner you know will escalate the situation
- Containing the frustration instead of acting it out
- Getting off social media or YouTube even when you really don’t want to
- Catching your mind when it slides into catastrophising or worry and steering it back
- Holding a boundary even when your kid cries, because you decided it was the right call
- Talking to yourself with empathy, like a decent human being instead of a prosecutor building a case
- Celebrating having stayed calm during that meltdown instead of only cataloguing where you fell short
None of this is easy. That’s the point. If it were easy it wouldn’t be leadership.
What Happens When You Still Lose It?
Will you still slam the door sometimes? Yes. Probably. I definitely will. But hopefully less often.
Self-leadership is a practice. The goal is noticing faster when you’re sliding, catching yourself before the door takes the hit, and asking honestly what you needed that you weren’t getting.
And when you do lose it? That’s data. Find out what was going on for you. What did you need that you weren’t getting? What would help you next time?
Where to Start With Self-Leadership as a Mom
Three questions worth sitting with today:
- Who is your best mother-self when things get hard?
- What does she need to show up that way?
- What is one hard thing you keep avoiding that she would do?
