„Shit!” I exclaimed as I almost slipped on the mushy, slick surface the pavement had turned into after today’s rain fell on yesterday’s snow.
I had a crappy morning.
I hardly slept the night before because my daughter had coughing fits at night. We had one power struggle after another trying to get out of the house. I was walking her to daycare through heavy rain, trying to hold the umbrella up against the wind with one hand, pushing the stroller with the other, trying not to fall on the slippery mess below me, having been screamed at by my daughter who didn’t want to sit underneath the rain protector.
It was dark.
I was cold.
I was miserable and feeling sorry for myself.
„Mommy says shit! Mommy says shit!” my daughter happily repeated as I sighed and pushed on through the wet mess.
„Of course it’s my job again to endure this crappy morning while he gets to drive to work and do his thing.”
Referring to my husband who at the time wasn’t able to bring our kid to daycare or pick her up because of his work and commute. It was an arrangement I had begrudgingly agreed to – because it was temporary.
We finally arrived at her daycare and I dropped her off, thrilled to be rid of the stroller. I pushed on through the wetness on the ground and from the sky to work, still brooding about my bad morning.
And then I heard it – a faint but very clear alarm signal. Inside me. Repeating:
„victim mindset – victim mindset”.
Damn. I had fallen into the trap again.
What is victim mindset, exactly?
You might have recognized yourself in my crappy morning and my reaction to it – feeling sorry for myself, being resentful of my partner who doesn’t have to deal with this mess.
It’s a form of victim mindset.
And by that I don’t mean real victimization — like victims of abuse — but the everyday habit of blaming, disengaging, and slipping into martyr mode.
„Poor me having to do all of this again for the family. Poor me …”
So, I’m curious:
When do you fall into victim mindset?
For me it shows up when I haven’t slept well because my daughter climbed into our bed, stuck like velcro to me, and demanded yoghurt and foamed milk at 3 am while my husband blissfully slept through all of that.
Poor me.
So I’ll – of course – have to let him feel my frustration in the morning by giving him the cold shoulder.
It shows up when I feel I’m a victim to my partner’s fulltime job plus commute and work ambitions. Poor me “has to” shoulder the often boring family tasks.
And it shows up when something breaks or a problem comes up I need to address – like when I needed new running shoes because my old and trusted model wasn’t giving me enough support anymore. I had to take the time to go to a sports store and get a running gait analysis.
So much time wasted!
What they all have in common is that in those moments I give up ownership and responsibility.
It’s nice to be in victim mindset: I can get out of making decisions, wallow in feeling sorry for myself without taking action, and feel delicious resentment toward my partner, right and hard done by.
But – of course – it’s not helpful at all.
It might be easy in the short-term but it hurts my relationships and keeps me stuck in negative emotions.
It’s easy to fall into victim mindset in everyday family life. We often end up with tasks we wouldn’t do voluntarily if it wasn’t for our roles as caretakers, or don’t get a break when we need one and have to negotiate free time with our partners.
You can waste time and energy being stuck in resentment versus negotiating an agreement with your partner that works for you both.
How do you get out of it?
By taking ownership and responsibility of and for your reaction to the situation.
Stepping into empowerment.
In my examples, getting out of victim mindset could have looked like this:
Accept the weather is what it is, feel sorry for myself, and switch into self-compassion. Remembering I’ve chosen to be a parent and to have my kid in daycare, and calling up gratitude. It’s cliché but it helps. I get to take her to daycare where she’s happy, and I don’t have to spend all day with her but get to work, which I enjoy.
Accept my husband has career ambitions. But get clear on what my red line is and where I need him to step up. Then talk to him and negotiate a set-up that works for both of us. Maybe he reduces his hours, batch-cooks on the weekends, or takes our daughter all day Saturdays. Whatever works for us.
Taking ownership also means accepting things break. I could continue running in my current shoes. Or have a quick consultation instead of a whole 45-minute analysis. But I chose to take the time to get a professional gait analysis and get shoes that actually fit my body. Because it’s important to me. And it feels different when it’s something I’m choosing for myself, because I value my health and wellbeing.
A four-step process for anytime this shows up
Think of one thing that recently had you stuck in victim mindset.
The four steps below are how I practice not throwing the second dart.
Step 1
Accept the situation
The weather, your husband’s ambitions, your child’s personality or sleep pattern.
Step 2
Acknowledge your emotions
Yes, it sucks the weather is crappy. It sucks that your partner has career ambitions that leave you holding more. It’s hard that your kid is shy or lively or wakes up so much at night. It does suck and it is hard.
Step 3
Tune into self-compassion
It helps to say to yourself:
“This is hard for me. I’m suffering, even if only slightly. There are other parents in the world in similar situations who find it difficult. May I get through this with grace and dignity.”
Or whatever self-compassion mantra works for you.
This way, you signal to yourself:
“I see my pain and I feel for myself, but I don’t get lost in self-pity.”
Self-compassion helps turn down the stress response and helps us endure difficult emotions.
Step 4
Take ownership and responsibility
Ask yourself:
“In this situation, what can I do to make it better for myself?”
You can’t change the weather but you can change your experience of it by tuning into gratitude, deliberately calling up the fact that you get to bring your child to a daycare she likes. This helps switch out of negativity.
Or think of something you’re looking forward to – like plans for the weekend or an upcoming trip, or remember a favorite place. Bringing up gratitude, appreciation, and positive memories makes the experience overall better.
Take action.
Talk to your partner about the sleep situation and find solutions together. Maybe he reads up on what you could change, or you sleep in the guest room three nights a week.
Talk to a friend who has a high-spirited kid like yours, swap the struggles and the joys, and hear how she handles the challenges. It can help to feel less alone.
Sit down and think through what you’d need to change in your family’s work arrangements to feel more content, then have that conversation with your partner.
Stepping out of victim mindset takes work in the moment, but it feels better in the long run and changes things for the better.
Staying in victim mindset does not.
Your challenge
Today, notice when you’re falling into victim mindset.
Jot the situations down in your phone’s notes app.
Later today or tomorrow, take a few minutes to go over those situations with the four steps: accepting the situation, acknowledging your emotions, shifting into self-compassion, and taking ownership and responsibility by making choices and taking appropriate action.
Notice how it feels to step out of victim mindset.
Keep practicing these steps. Catch yourself falling into victim mindset and shift to empowerment using the four steps.
As bad as my day had started, it did get better from there.
Daycare pick-up was almost equally miserable but landed better on me this time. And it was easier to switch into a better mood once we had gotten rid of all the wet clothes and equipment at our apartment’s front door and cozied up inside, playing with Duplo.
Practice switching from victim mindset to ownership — and I promise you, your life will feel different very soon.
